The BTS Breakup Press Releases

BTS is breaking up and it is everyone else’s fault but RM’s, who despite his rough and tough image is very playful.

For Immediate Release

Contact: RM (아르엠), formerly Rap Monster (랩몬스터)

Phone Number: Call me and I’ll give it to you.

Blood Type: A (Please make note of this because I sometimes forget, and I may be a hemophiliac.)

Email: Who emails?

BTS is breaking up and it is everyone else’s fault but RM’s, who despite his rough and tough image is very playful.  

Date: Today!

Hello, it is me! RM, the leader and main rapper, and main rapping leader of my band, BTS.  I know you have all heard of us. So do not deny it or I will cut you in a playful way. Haha. I am kidding. But, sad news. My very famous band, BTS, of which I am the leader and main rapper, has just broken up. The real me (RM) is sad but wants you to know this is all on the other six bastards. These guys did this. Do not read any more press releases about this information. Jungkook thinks he is so wise, but he is not. He is a “young kook”. Hah! I am surely the best at wordplay. Which is why I was the leader and main rapper. We are done! It is their fault. This is all you need to know.

BTS was the greatest K-pop group in the history of the universe and, thanks to me, wrote more hit songs than anyone can ever imagine. Thanks to me, we brought over 3 and half billion dollars to the South Korean economy. Now, thanks to the other guys, we are finished. And South Korea will soon fall.

For more information!!! Call me, and I will give you my phone number and tell you everything that happened.

…

For Immediate Release

Contact: Jin (진)

Representative Emoji:

Date: This matters not!!!!!

I have fired everyone from BTS, but BTS is not dead! BTS still lives on and shall now be known as, Jin and BTS without BTS. I still enjoy Disney princesses and looking at photos.

Jin here. Jin, as in the true leader of the group, and the one who is here today to tell you that, as the true leader of the group, I can simply tell you that, Jin and BTS without BTS, proves that, Jin and BTS without BTS is still a group. I have stated this also to Buzzfeed and told their journalist that pink hair suits me best, and to never forget that I was ranked Number Two in, “The 100 Most Handsome Faces of 2019”.

Do not listen to Suga who says I have lost my looks just because I am the oldest member of the group. And pay no attention to J-Hope. Just because he has a PhD does not make him intelligent. It is my wish that the South Korean government, in its infinite wisdom, executes J-Hope. This is my hope. I shall pray to god to make it done. It is not right to tease your elders. This is why I fired the traitors from BTS and would like to see them all banished to North Korea, except for J-Hope, who assuredly deserves a bullet in the head. I look forward to performing with Jin and BTS without BTS very soon. I shall quickly hire six new members who will do as I say.

For more information: This is not necessary. It matters not!!!!! The group has broken up but has NOT broken up. But if you so greatly feel the need to be in contact with me, touch my magic representative emoji and you will be transported to my anime universe.  

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For Immediate Release

Contact: Suga (슈가)

Date: The day where I want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTS has broken up! My favourite colour is still white, but how can I care about this anymore!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!?????

My life is over! This is truly terrible. Last night, I had a dinner of my favourite food – meat. I was also very much enjoying my best-loved hobbies of doing nothing and avoiding having to do work. The reason the guys called me ‘Motionless Min’ was because I didn’t do anything. Now I will have to get a job working in a South Korean factory, and this is the worst. The conditions are terrible. I don’t even know why we are broken up. I was at home sleeping and doing nothing, which is what is my thing in the band. Then the phone rang and it was RM telling me that we had broken up and that it was my fault. Mine and the others. Not his. Okay, I guess. I am now a sad emoji. My most handsome face is crying!

PLEASE CALL ME! If you are looking for a most handsome face in your K-pop band. I am very good at doing nothing and avoiding work. PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME if you own a factory or are a government bureaucrat.

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For Immediate Release

Contact: J-Hope (제이홉)

Zodiac Sign: Bah! Astrology is a fallacy! But… Aquarius…

Email: Pah! Yes, of course, I shall implement you with my email. No doubt, you will write just to wish me a most friendly hello, and that you require nothing in return. Be warned, I am wise to your ulterior motives.

The premature death of BTS may surprise the bourgeois plebian minds but we (as in me) who are elucidated will not obfuscate the truth that the end of this sophomoric K-pop phenomenon was a death in the making from its early inception. And good riddance.

I shall not be brief. If the other members of BTS have managed to string a few words together or have hired some backscratching mandarin of a press agent to dribble out their ‘thoughts’ relaying the story of the group’s break-up, then heed my sagacity and ignore their pestilent short-windedness. I, and I alone, have the brain qualification to measure out the events that unfolded.

We were rehearsing. Well, all of us, except for that lazy wastrel, Suga, who was sleeping his counterproductive and ineffectual life away in his decadent condominium.

A communication on the subject of our mothers arose. Now, you must understand, that this is a very delicate conversation piece among us, and, I would hope, among every honorable man and woman who worships their mother. RM, that louche troll, had the boldness to announce, “My mother is the best mother in the world.”

HA!

Because I am very well educated. Because I am always prepared. Because I always carry an X-ray of my mother’s cranium with me, I was able to present it on the spot and display to the other second-bananas that my mother’s cerebral cortex is, in fact, magnificently elongated causing behavioural manners such as a stabilized superego, increased rates of empathy, divergent thinking and cognitive abilities. Proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that my mother is the greatest mother in the world. And, naturally, far better than any of their less-than-average mothers.

This should have concluded the discussion and allowed us to get back to manufacturing the drivel we make that is called music.

But no. RM had to loudly communicate his belief that he was quite certain that his dad could beat up my dad. What does this have to do with the discussion at hand? I serenely explained to the preposterous dolt that my father was a traitor to our motherland, and that RM was forbidden to mention his name.

Jin (who is ancient and wilful) then had the forwardness to advise that my mother was not so great. Can you believe this slander? They have all tasted her sesame seed cookies!

Then, V pronounced his opinion. Because if Jin does, then so must V. He just flat out said to my shocked and handsome face that my mother was not so good.

I told him he was a troglodyte. And a goof!

Jimin boasted that his mom is the best, which is laughable, and I severely reminded him that he was adopted because his real mother hated him. He became very upset.

And that was when we all attacked each other.

No one person officially ended this. It was done as a collective. A collective of young men with most handsome faces who hate each other with a vengeful fury. I look onward to moving forward to studying eugenics at the Korea Advanced Institute of Science & Technology.

There will be no further discussions on this subject. But feel free to leave your uninteresting comments on our YouTube channel.

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For Immediate Release

Contact: Jimin (지민)

Weight: 58.6 kg (129 lbs)

Date: I think it is Monday.

BTS main dancer who doesn’t like spinach and is known for impressive abs, love of sunny and cold weather, eating fruit and duck, and whose favourite number is three, has decided he no longer wants to be main dancer and has left the group to join the South Korean Circus as a shirtless performer with great abs, as their new human cannonball.

I am the one in BTS who would jokingly hit my fellow members as a way of showing my affection for them. Last night, I jokingly hit J-Hope across the face, neck, and shoulders repeatedly because my sense of humour was so aroused. By the end of it all, he was lying on the floor in a pond of his blood and not really laughing so much anymore.  

Contact: I can be reached through the South Korean Circus.

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For Immediate Release

BTS member described by rest of the guys as a “horrible cook” is missing.

BTS member, V (뷔), lead dancer and visual sub-vocalist has gone missing since it was suddenly announced that the famous K-pop band he performed with, BTS, had split up with no chance of reconciliation. V, who was once ranked Number One in the “Top 100 Most Handsome Faces” of 2020, was said to be distraught over the news. The general population of South Korea are asked to keep an eye open for a young man with a handsome face, whose favourite number is 10, is likely dressed in his favourite colour, grey, and is probably searching for music that no one listens to, or is enjoying his computer… or is dead.

Contact: South Korean Police Authorities.

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KoreanCupid.com™

Name: Jung Kook (정국)

Birthday: September 1, 1997

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Height: 178 cm (5’10”)

Weight: 66 kg (145 lbs)

Blood Type: A

Representative emoji:

Hello, I am the Ha Jung-hwa to your Jang Cheol-min (but please, no blind girls).

About me. I am currently reading a book. I am simple and honest with good manners and non-threatening genitals. My current job is not having a job. I am looking for someone who is at least 168 cm but cannot be taller than me and will always be a nice wife, who is good at the kitchen, smart, and has legs. Also, she must like me and will never mention the group BTS. Ever. I like shoes and makeup. My most favourite number is one. My favourite food is flour.

How To Be A Successful Cow Whisperer

Today I’m going to teach you how to be a successful cow whisperer.

Let’s start with a brief history of the bovine: Before the cow was domesticated, these vicious predators roamed the streets of ancient Greece, hunting in packs and preying on small eunuchs and errant Minotaurs. Since their capture they’ve been knocked down a peg or two and are now best known for providing us with milk and taking advantage of Hindus.

But the domestication of the cow hasn’t gone far enough. Until they are cleaning our bathrooms and picking up our dry-cleaning the fight is not over.

Cow whispering is all about goading cows into doing what you want them to by applying peer pressure and appealing to their herd mentality.

By combining social pressure to conform and simple bovine psychology, you will not only end
up with a cow that is your friend, but more importantly, your personal bartender.

Before you get started you’ll need a handful of grass, a list of jokes that make fun of horses, and your “inside voice.”

Once you have all these, all you need is a cow. They can be found in farmers’ fields and pet stores. If you don’t find one there try a cow brothel, or, “milking station” as the politically correct would call them.

So let’s get started, shall we? First, figure out what it is you want the cow to do for you… Let’s say, for this demonstration, I want the cow to pour me a drink…

Start off by talking to the cow in a gentle and soothing voice. Subtly insinuate that all the cool cows are bartending for humans. This allows the animal to become used to the tone of your soft but persuasive voice while intuiting that you’re someone who likes to push cows around because you can.

Now that a rapport has been established, get your hands dirty and offer to milk it. If the cow has been given hormones to simulate pregnancy and produce milk, it will greatly appreciate your efforts. If not, well, you get to cop a feel.

The main thing is you want to bond. Make fun of horses. You’ve got the list of jokes; use it. A good opening gag is the classic: “How many horses does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“20. One to hold the ladder and one to securely screw in the light bulb with glue that was made by rendering plants that used the waste, fat, and bone from the other 18 dead horses.”

…Trust me, cows love this one.

(Mike’s Helpful Hint: When whispering jokes to the cow, don’t use puns. Cows don’t understand them. To tell a cow that she is “udderly hilarious” is a waste of a mediocre joke.)

At this point it’s time to ease up on the peer pressure and to listen to the cow. It’ll tell you things like “moo” “moo” and “moo.” Pretend not to be bored. Respond with statements like “You’re fascinating!” and “Tell me more!” Sure, it’s an old ploy used by teenage girls everywhere, but that’s because it works.

Next, feed the beast. Cows eat grass: they’re the ultimate cheap date. But remember, they are very insecure about their weight. Use this to get a leg-up on the cow: Tell it that the bell around its neck doesn’t make its ass look fat.

Now that the cow is fed and trusts you, the time has come to take advantage of that trust and get it to do your bidding. If you’ve done the previous steps correctly, a simple, “Hey Bessie, make me a piña colada. Chop, chop!” should do the trick.

From here all you need to do is enjoy being lord of the food-chain while your new bovine bartender pours you a cold one.

Cheers!