I’m Looking Good

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My no makeup selfie. Wait… Is that even still a thing?

Easy Answers to the Tough Questions Kids Ask

Kid: Is there a heaven?
Adult: Yeah, but it’s out of our price range.

Kid: Where does Dora the Explorer live?
Adult: In a better house than us.

Kid: Why is there water?
Adult: To mix with my scotch.

Kid: When will I be grown up?
Adult: The first time I ask you to lend me money.

Kid: What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?
Adult: Insomniacs.

Kid: Where do babies come from?
Adult: Diaper manufacturers.

Kid: How do you kill a ninja?
Adult: With a gun.

Kid: Why do we have to go to school?
Adult: Because of child labour laws.

Kid: What do worms eat?
Adult: Who cares?

Kid: Why do people lie?
Adult: Because I said so.

Kid: How does the fridge work?
Adult: You plug it into the wall.

fan boy and mike the writer guy

Downton Dead

I stuck the opening music of The Walking Dead on to the opening credits of Downton Abbey… Mike + A Bit Of Free Time = Downton Dead.

How To Be A Successful Cow Whisperer

Today I’m going to teach you how to be a successful cow whisperer.

Let’s start with a brief history of the bovine: Before the cow was domesticated, these vicious predators roamed the streets of ancient Greece, hunting in packs and preying on small eunuchs and errant Minotaurs. Since their capture they’ve been knocked down a peg or two and are now best known for providing us with milk and taking advantage of Hindus.

But the domestication of the cow hasn’t gone far enough. Until they are cleaning our bathrooms and picking up our dry-cleaning the fight is not over.

Cow whispering is all about goading cows into doing what you want them to by applying peer pressure and appealing to their herd mentality.

By combining social pressure to conform and simple bovine psychology, you will not only end
up with a cow that is your friend, but more importantly, your personal bartender.

Before you get started you’ll need a handful of grass, a list of jokes that make fun of horses, and your “inside voice.”

Once you have all these, all you need is a cow. They can be found in farmers’ fields and pet stores. If you don’t find one there try a cow brothel, or, “milking station” as the politically correct would call them.

So let’s get started, shall we? First, figure out what it is you want the cow to do for you… Let’s say, for this demonstration, I want the cow to pour me a drink…

Start off by talking to the cow in a gentle and soothing voice. Subtly insinuate that all the cool cows are bartending for humans. This allows the animal to become used to the tone of your soft but persuasive voice while intuiting that you’re someone who likes to push cows around because you can.

Now that a rapport has been established, get your hands dirty and offer to milk it. If the cow has been given hormones to simulate pregnancy and produce milk, it will greatly appreciate your efforts. If not, well, you get to cop a feel.

The main thing is you want to bond. Make fun of horses. You’ve got the list of jokes; use it. A good opening gag is the classic: “How many horses does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“20. One to hold the ladder and one to securely screw in the light bulb with glue that was made by rendering plants that used the waste, fat, and bone from the other 18 dead horses.”

…Trust me, cows love this one.

(Mike’s Helpful Hint: When whispering jokes to the cow, don’t use puns. Cows don’t understand them. To tell a cow that she is “udderly hilarious” is a waste of a mediocre joke.)

At this point it’s time to ease up on the peer pressure and to listen to the cow. It’ll tell you things like “moo” “moo” and “moo.” Pretend not to be bored. Respond with statements like “You’re fascinating!” and “Tell me more!” Sure, it’s an old ploy used by teenage girls everywhere, but that’s because it works.

Next, feed the beast. Cows eat grass: they’re the ultimate cheap date. But remember, they are very insecure about their weight. Use this to get a leg-up on the cow: Tell it that the bell around its neck doesn’t make its ass look fat.

Now that the cow is fed and trusts you, the time has come to take advantage of that trust and get it to do your bidding. If you’ve done the previous steps correctly, a simple, “Hey Bessie, make me a piña colada. Chop, chop!” should do the trick.

From here all you need to do is enjoy being lord of the food-chain while your new bovine bartender pours you a cold one.

Cheers!

Zombies Of Nam

Zombies Of Nam
(Dawn of the Dead meets Apocalypse Now meets Pretty Woman)

Teens love zombies, men love war flicks, and the ladies love romance.

Zombies of Nam is the one vehicle that can drive all those demographics to box office pay dirt and still maintain its artistic integrity.

The story: It’s 1967, the U.S. army is struggling in Vietnam, and the Pentagon wants results.

But what to do?

Enter the almost renowned scientist, Dr. Claudius Ferbling, a seemingly meek and kind-hearted nebbish who may or may not be a KGB operative. With the help of his seemingly groovy assistant, the swarthy Latino, Raymundo Salazar (who may or may not be an FBI agent who is spying on Ferbling), he creates a secret army of G.I. Zombies.

“Unyielding, Unrepentant and Undead” (the movie’s tagline), the zombified soldiers are released into the rice fields of Vietnam and proceed to strike mind boggling terror into the enemy thanks to their natural penchant for eating their brains.

Led by the technically dead but surprisingly upbeat Sergeant, Chuck Meat (Charlie Sheen), the zombies lay waste to the Viet Cong… And along the way they share a few laughs!

Everything is going to plan until it stops doing that and goes horribly wrong. The trouble starts when the requisite renegade heartthrob zombie, Private Skin (Justin Bieber), convinces his fellow zombies to defy Meat and turn their unseemly appetites on civilians and – even worse – other American soldiers.

Meat is deserted by his zombies who continue their rampage in search of fresh brains and a spicy dipping sauce. Now on his own, the humiliated and friendless zombie sergeant returns to base, and, through a series of indecipherable moans and groans, somehow informs his superiors of the mutinous zombies.

Meanwhile in Washington, unlikely chums, Claudius and Raymundo, start hanging out together in bars where they loudly and drunkenly slur their misgivings about creating the zombie army.

That’s when the FBI arrests Raymundo and the KGB arrests Claudius. The two men are sent to an unnamed prison and forced to share a cell. Could there be the seeds of love in this unlikely relationship? Turns out the answer is no. Two days into their incarceration, Claudius stabs Raymundo to death over a pack of smokes.

Back in Vietnam, word of the rebellious zombies reaches the ears of General Flack, the company’s blustering, hot-headed, and surprisingly effeminate leader. General Flack orders “Project Zombie” halted, but the problem remains – how to stop them?

Meat meets Gloria, (Kim Kardashian) the General’s daughter. She’s a triage nurse and semi-retired effervescent hooker with a heart of, if not gold, at least copper. He falls for her. Hard. But can a zombie Sergeant find love with an officer’s giggling and trampy daughter? Of course he can!

The two frolic through Saigon in a whirlwind romance. Meat pitches woo. Gloria quivers. Meat eats a brain. Gloria laughs. Meat proposes. Gloria accepts.

But the General forbids his daughter to wed a zombie and Meat sinks into an alcoholic abyss that there’s absolutely no crawling out of. Gloria confronts Meat and calls him a coward, a drunk, and a lost zombie cause. Then she tells him she loves him anyway.

Meat miraculously crawls out of his alcoholic abyss, beefs up, stops drinking, finds his true inner zombie, and does it all to the musical strains of Engelbert Humperdinck’s “Release Me (And Let Me Love Again).”

The zombies descend on Saigon. A rejuvenated Meat single-handedly destroys them all and saves the city but not before they turn Gloria into a zombie.

The General, in appreciation, and now pretty much disgusted by his zombie daughter, allows her and Meat to wed. Meat is decorated as a hero. He and Gloria return to the States to start a new life together.

Upon arriving home, Meat is spat on by a pair of elderly and scruffy hippies (cameos by Jane Fonda and Jon Voight). Meat and Gloria eat their brains. They then laugh their way into the sunset.

Fade to Black…

Mike Erskine-Kellie

So, here’s who I am and what I do. You know, as opposed to what I am and who I do…

I’m a winner of two regional Emmy awards for my work on my co-created TV series, Scientastic. I’ve created and/or written television shows for PBS, Disney XD, BBC, TVO, CBC including Franny’s Feet, Pucca, Turbo Dogs, Endangered Species, the Emmy Award-winning PBS show Zoboomafoo, and the Gemini Nominated CBC show Sketchcom. I’m also a recipient of a Harold Greenberg Award for my screenplay, The New Adventures of Jason and The Argonauts.

I also co- created, story edited and was a writer for the TVO kids’ magic series Spellz, winner of the US International Film and Video Festival in Children’s Programming and a Silver Remi at the Worldfest-Houston International Film Festival. My television series, Brian Paisley In Hell, was a recipient of OMDC funding.

I spent two years as a writer and an on-air humour commentator for CBC news until budget cuts saw me replaced by a tree (true story). I toured Europe and North America with the critically acclaimed sketch comedy troupe, Serious Comedy for Oxymorons. My short stories have appeared in a variety of publications including The Toronto Star.

I was the writer/creator of the website Avery Ant and His One Minute Rant, which was featured on radio shows across North America, on CBC’s The Hour, and in various publications, including The Daily News and The Ottawa Citizen. It also won some awards, including from National Lampoon and CBC. Avery Ant’s illustrious campaign for the job of Pope was immortalized by the Library of Congress as part of the historic collection of Internet materials related to the death of Pope John Paul II and the election of a new Pope.

I’m an Emmy award winning writer, comedy guy, and supplier of cultural artifacts to the Library of Congress.